Life...

...is so frustrating sometimes. But it teaches us patience. Which I need to learn. About a month ago I started not feeling so great. Which was frustrating. I had just been thinking how nice it was to feel GOOD. I had actually felt better than I had felt in a LONG time...Then it started again. I had an appointment with Dr. Smith for a checkup so I just dealt with it for a couple weeks until my appointment. I was having a lot of stomach pain and feeling sick. So I went and saw Dr. Smith and he suspected I had some sort of infection.

He thought that since I had C. diff a few months ago, that I could have it again and that could be what was making me feel so crummy. If it wasn't that he thought it was probably just my normal bout of pouchitis. Either way I needed an antibiotic, but he needed to know what it was before he could give me one. So I got tested and it came back positive for C. diff. Well no wonder I didn't feel good. (C diff. is a bacteria that gets in the gut when there's not a lot of good bacteria there-this can happen when you take a lot of antibiotics, like me.) I had a few days before Thanksgiving especially where I was exausted, wasn't sleeping well, and just plain didn't feel well. My mom kept asking me if I was ok. It took about a week before I got the results because of the holiday and everything, which was frustrating. I was calling Dr. Smith's office every day and they never had an answer for me. So finally I got an antibiotic which I have been on for 5 days and I already feel much better. I'm still tired all the time which is frustrating, but at least I feel better.

In the couple weeks that I wasn't feeling well, I realized that I lost about 6 pounds. Which was frustrating. For me that's a lot to lose when you can't really afford to lose any weight. Dr. Smith and his nurse seemed a bit frusrated by this as well. Last time I was in there they were so proud of me for being up to 96 pounds...It takes me months to gain 5 pounds. Which is frustrating. I have been trying to gain some weight since then but I just havn't had a good appetite. Nothing ever sounds good. Which is frustrating.

I was also having a lot of joint pain. Before just my knees were hurting, but then my hands starting to become sore as well. Which was frustrating. Dr. Smith actually suspected rheumatoid arthritis. About a year and a half ago when the knee pain started he tested my ANA which was high, so he said that indicated arthritis. (ANA is a blood test that can identify an autoimmune disease). Now because it's getting worse and because of the high ANA test, he wants me to see a Rheumatologist. I couldn't get an appointment until the middle of January. Which was frustrating.

I had also been feeling very short of breath at times, for no reason at all. I would be sleeping and roll over in bed and suddenly my heart woud start racing and I would feel like I had just run a marathon. Or I would just sit up and feel like I couldn't catch my breath. Which didn't make sense...and was frustrating. I opened my big mouth and told this to Dr. Smith as well. He listened to my lungs and then told me I needed to get a chest X-ray and an EKG. He seemed a little concerned about my history of a blood clot in my lungs. Kind of scary, but they actually came back normal and I stopped having any problems. So that was one thing that was NOT frustrating. :)

I don't mean this to sound whiny because it really isn't nearly as bad as it sounds. It's more annoying, really. But when things like this happen it gives me a chance to really stop and be thankful for what I have. I have an excellent Dr. who is very thorough, cares about me, and knows what he's doing. I have a good job with health insurance., which can make a $300 antibiotic cost only $80. I have a wonderful mother who takes care of me. I also have an amazing little brother serving a mission who in his last letter to me wrote, "Tell yourself each morning that you are awesome and it will come true. Pray for the well-being of those around you and work to serve God-this will make you happy. Learn something new from the scriptures each day, this will help you progress. Magnify your calling-that will fulfill your purpose." I am continually trying to be patient and not get frustrated so easily, and remembering the good things in my life are what get me through.

One of my favorite quotes is from a talk by Julie B. Beck in 2009, "Women who know love the Lord and bear testimony of Him. They are strong and immoveable and do not give up during difficult and discouraging times." So even though sometimes I get discouraged (or frustrated), I keep telling myself that life is good and things are going to be ok, or as Kyler says...that I'm awesome! :)